


The World May Be Burning, But the Water is Cold.

by Trekkele



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Ace!Jim Kirk, F/M, Gen, I might change this, Nyota Uhura is a Good Friend, Protective Nyota Uhura, Sex Pollen, There is no sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 01:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16378640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trekkele/pseuds/Trekkele
Summary: Sex Pollen is real. So are Asexuals.Jim does not want this.





	The World May Be Burning, But the Water is Cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Sexuality is complicated.  
> People are complicated.  
> It's Asexual awareness week and I while I'm not happy with this fic I probably never will be.
> 
> Pretentious title because I fucking can.

Looking at the stack of forms he had already completed, Jim wondered if this was a joke. You know, a sure-fire way to see if cadets paid attention to everything you threw at them five seconds after getting off the recruitment shuttle.

That or it was a really elaborate pick up line set up by the bored guy behind the desk.

Which didn’t necessarily make any of this better.

 

He glanced down at the form and shook his head. Nope. Not better.

 

“I'm sorry, there seems to be a mistake on one of these..?”

The bored looking cadet behind the counter gave him a once over and a raised eyebrow. Jim passed over the padd in question, idly wondering how many times a day the kid dealt with this exact scenario. Probably more than expected from an “ _elite academy_ ” like this.

 

“Given a scenario in which sexual intercourse is the only course of action which could, or would, save your life, please mark down a currently active member of StarFleet of whom you would prefer should be contacted at such a time. If you do not do so, or if you prefer not to do so, StarFleet will assign a volunteer to you.” The kid read it back to him as though it was a laundry list, one incredulous eyebrow going higher and higher.  Given the circumstances he didn't think that kind of sass was warranted. I mean, who wouldn't be confused by this thing?

The cadet gave him a second once over, “It’s exactly what it sounds like. Unlikely, but StarFleet likes to be thorough. Of course,” the cadet leaned forward with a very pointed smirk, “I’d love to help you figure it out sometime.” He purred. Actually, honest to god, purred. Jim needed a drink.

 

Jim wondered how the fuck he was supposed to respond to that.

Fuck off? No thanks? Thanks but I'd rather die? I’m asexual and therefore you can literally go fuck yourself?

He hated telling people.

_“What a waste. Sure I can’t change your mind gorgeous?”_

 

Fighting back a shiver, Jim just took the form back from the obviously disappointed cadet. “Thanks for your help.” He sounded like he’d swallowed a spider.

On the off chance this wasn't some very elaborate joke, he'd have to put someone down. Like hell he was taking a volunteer. _If_ this was even real.

He needed someone who hated him. Who would never have sex with him. Who would treat the summons like some elaborate prank and ignore it till he was found dead and celibate.

 

Yeah, that could work.

 

* * *

 

Of course, 4.5 years, one genocide, two near death experiences, one actual death (we don't talk about that) and a few promotions later and he realizes that not only was it not a bad joke, it was also something he _probably_ should have taken seriously. Maybe spoken to his doctor about. ( _Definitely_ spoken to his doctor about) Possibly a preemptive cure.

 

Of course he has to realize this while curled up in a ball, shivering in the corner of a quarantine unit after a Really Bad Day. Which was an understatement.

 

The door hissed open and someone walked in. Considering the circumstances, it was one of two people. And oddly enough, he really hoped it wasn’t his best friend.

 

“You know, I thought this was a mistake when Christine contacted me. But there it was, signed and dated and everything, all official.” Uhura sat down across from him, folding her not-quite-regulation boots under her skirt. Those really were a little to short to be practical. He needed to look into that. “Care to explain why you marked me down, _and_ why it was back at the academy?” The _Before I could spend two minutes in your company without wanting to strangle you?_ was left unsaid.

 

He really didn't want to. He really, really, didn’t want to, he preferred to just die if everyone was ok with that.

 

He managed to roll over and open his eyes long enough to see that Uhura, while sitting a good six feet away from him and also in possession of a StarFleet issue phaser - smart woman, he knew he liked her - was looking far more amused than annoyed. He hoped that benevolence translated over to her boyfriend, because while he trusted Spock implicitly, he wouldn't blame him for wanting to choke him for this. _Again_.

 

“Do I have to?”

 

“Yes.” Why Uhura never went into command he never knew.  She could probably just get the Klingons to sign the damn treaty with a look. “Now, while Academy Uhura could come up with several reason as to why you put me down as the emergency fuck-buddy, present day Uhura thinks she was a bit of a bitch at times and wants a decent explanation.”

 

Emergency Fuck-Buddy, ha. Such _eloquence_ from his chief communications officer.

God everything hurts. He also has the overwhelming urge to call his mother and apologize for her having given birth to him. Start at the beginning, right?

 

Uhura was still looking at him. Just looking at him. Not touching, not coming closer, not offering anything he hasn't asked for.

“Never thought you’d come.” God, he’d give half his kingdom for a fucking full sentence. No pun intended. No, really.

 

“Ok. Care to explain a bit more?” She was literally just sitting there and he’d somehow never felt more uncomfortable in his life. He wanted to throw up. And he wanted someone to - _touch him, to come closer, to kiss the back of his neck, to_ \- no, no, _no_.

Every time he thought about that he felt sick and his throat closed up and why, why couldn't this have been some shitty joke made by a bored teenager on desk duty.

 

He wanted to cry.

 

“No.” She leaned forward, clearly preparing to say something, she was just trying to say something, _G-d_ , why did he have to panic like that? He jerked backwards so fast he knocked his head into the wall. Spacial awareness was shot to hell, thank motherfucking galaxies that the walls here were soft.

 

He could almost hear the panic rising up into her voice. Why hadn't he changed that form? Why had he ignored the stupid thing and pretended it hadn't existed for almost _five years_.

 _Because you like ignoring your problems till they go away._ Common sense Jim is an asshole, PSA people, avoid Mr. Common Sense at all costs.

 

“Jim.” She sounded like she was talking to a scared kitten. Or an angry Sehlat. “Jim, I’m not coming any closer. I’m not going to do anything you don't want, ok? I promise, I'm not going to move from this spot. Do you hear me?” He could picture her, eyes wide and and hands up, palms out and non threatening.

 

He takes a deep breath. He knows her. He trusts her. That's why he ignored the dumb form for so long. Right?

 

“I thought. I thought it was a joke.” Ok. That was a complete sentence. Subject, predicate, all the fun grammarly stuff. He opened his eyes, forced himself to look at her. “I figured, just in case it wasn’t, I better choose someone who would _think_ it was a joke, and not show up.”

 

She was staring at him again, eyes somehow bigger and softer and he felt like an animal, curled up in a corner and so, so desperate for something _he didn't want_ , damn it.

 

“So you're telling me, you _purposely_ chose someone who you _thought_ wouldn't show up, as your emergency contact in a possible life or death situation.” She was angry. He thinks. It's getting hard to think with how hyper aware he is and he thinks he can smell colours. The red on her uniform is like the strawberries his grandpa Ty used to put in cobbler and he really wishes he felt less drunk for this conversation.

 

“..yes?”

 

“Jim.” He forced his eyes open again. “Why?”

 

Why what?

Oh. Right, _that_.

 

“I wasn't suicidal. If that's what you mean. I just... “ he didn't want to have this conversation. With anyone, fuck, he hadn't even spoken to Bones about it, but the bastard was smarter then he let on and he probably knew, he definitely knew, Asteria’s sake, why couldn't everything just _stop_.

He sat up. Leaned his head against the wall, looked up at the ceiling. Placed his shaking hands on the floor and took a deep breath. And again. And again. He could do this.

 

He finally looked back at Nyota, eyes less blurry then they had been. Knowing him, the fever made them way too bright, they probably looked glow in the dark. Like a fucking warning sign.

 

“I need - It’s complicated.” She snorts, an inelegant little thing, and he loves her. God, he never thought he'd be able to say that. Now was probably a bad time though.

“I need this. Every time - when I need something like this - It’s - It needs to be my _choice_. Every - every time - when I. “ She’s watching him trip over his words like it's the most normal thing in the world, like she didn't get pulled off a shift for this, like she has all the time and zero concerns. If he was more inclined he could kiss her.

She deserves a decent explanation, She does. “I - I’m asexual.” He takes a deep breath and rushes it out because he can’t, can’t look at her face right now, what if she doesn't believe him, she’s heard the rumors, _goddamn rumors_ , he needs her to believe him, and “And just because right now some weird xeno-bacteria decided that I want to peel your uniform off you with my teeth doesn't mean I actually _want_ to.” He hears the sharp intake of breath from across the room and he can't do this. “On the occasion that I _do_ want sex with someone, its not, its not. It can't be like this,” he whispers, head knocking against the wall.

 

“You understand? I can’t - I can't let that happen. It's not - this isn't _real_ , this isn't something I _want_ , and I don’t - I don't want it.” He's losing control and he knows he is, because for some reason he thinks he’s crying and everything hurts. Everything burns. So, so much why is the world on fire? "You understand? _I don't want it_."

 

Why is everything on fire?

He hears her shuffle her boots and he know she’s shifting to distract him. She knows he’s hyper aware and can practically smell her thinking and -

 

“Jim.” He doesn't remember closing his eyes, He opens them again. “Listen to me. I want to try something -” he's breathing hitches and he’s pretty sure he looks terrified, pressed up against a wall and frantically shaking his head no - _nononono._

 

“Jim. I will not do anything you don't want. I promise, ok, I will not do anything you don't want. Ok?” he takes another deep breath and pretends he isn't just a little kid screaming at the back of his head.

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ok. I'm going to come over to your side of the room.” he nods, pretty sure his heart rate isn't supposed to be that high. She sitting next to him, back against the wall like his is, ankles crossed in front of her. “Lean on my shoulder.”

 

He ... doesn't know what to do with that. So he leans his head sideways a little.

 

The point of contact is flooding his body with warmth and he swears he doesn't whimper, but he does. Uhura's hand is in his hair, gently pushing him forward so that he’s leaning almost entirely on her.

 

It stops hurting.

 

It’s like stepping out of the desert and directly into a swimming pool. He doesn’t think he’s ever cried out of relief like this.

 

He can hear Nyota singing. Low and sweet and in Swahili, he thinks, about stars and wishes and she's running her fingers through his hair and he thinks that maybe, maybe the universe stops existing outside of this little room, just for now, and there's just the warmth of them and the songs he can barely hear as he lets himself fall asleep.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Jim's experiences may or may not mirror my own, even if you are sex positive, this trope is fucking terrifying, if something is wrong let me know in the comments, but please bare in mind - everyone has different experiences and ace is an umbrella term.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
